In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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