i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
