He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
As shirtless as possible
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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