arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
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I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
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Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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