Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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