forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
