She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Randomize
