Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
