I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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