And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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