bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
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