I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
There's a naked man in my car right now.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
