Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.