I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing