One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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