why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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