How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
literally had 100 drinks last night.
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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