grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
