After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
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