I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
