Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
