I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
