I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
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