Where are you?
In a non slutty way
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
