You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
