can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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