The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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