i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
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