There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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