Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
