just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
