Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Randomize
