i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Operation Purity has been aborted
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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