My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
