I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
