I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize