It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
