why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
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