you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize
