I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
