from now on my penis is your penis
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
