He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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