she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
NoShamevember. You game?
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
