ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
