I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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