Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
