I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Randomize
