Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
