we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
