I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
