he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Randomize
