I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
