We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
