Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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