I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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