just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
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