I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
