Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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