Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
