She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
