i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
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