I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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